woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
this will be a night to untag.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Oh god it's open bar.
I came so hard my ears popped.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
