His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
