I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Randomize
