i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
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