I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Randomize
