respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
