Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
