I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
