My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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