I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Randomize
