i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
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