Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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