I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
