Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
He did a backflip because drugs
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
