So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
meet me or not, i'm out of control
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
