She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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