my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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