I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
