The police scanner is talking about you again....
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
