you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
