so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
