32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
