Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
