Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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