I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I just forgot I was standing up.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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