I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
