any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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