I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
