he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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