come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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