im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
