You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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