I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
