and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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