Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
