I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
