I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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