I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
