Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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