the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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