Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
