Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
