I think I won the penis lottery.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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