You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
