Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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