I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
