Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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