i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
