I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
