I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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