David Carradine died? Should I be thinking about this 10 min before my interview?
Haha just ref him when they ask a questin about kung fu which they will since ur Asian
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
