he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
they're like a gay fantastic four
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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