This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Blood and glitter go together right?
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
